T Tara On Demand - The Neely Perfect PicnicFebruary 11, 2010

Tara Turk

The Neely Perfect Picnic

Food Network On Demand

My friend Beverly and I have a hard time with Gina and Pat Neely. They can cook their tales off, no lie. But they need a bedroom in their kitchen. Their flirting and compliments remind me of an old In Living Color skit.

I'm going to try them out though because the BF loves shrimp and The Neely's, bless their hearts, have stayed away from the pig for this episode. We're working on a marinade and it's only been thirty seconds before Pat makes a innuendo that grosses me out. If they were really this lovey dovey, they'd be the Duggars and twenty kids in. But the Duggars also make twinkie pies for dessert so they don't have time to marinade Asian shrimp.

Stop the presses.

We just got a picture from when they first met. I think he's wearing the Oaktree eggplant pants and the customary silk shirt with the gold goggles. Ah the 1990s.

There are too many ingredients in this dish already. I have to say they ALWAYS pull out ingredients that are not common in the kitchen but they act like they should be. Chinese mustard? A million different peppers. Email me the grocery list prior please.

Innuendo number 47. Let's move on to the lemon pasta salad with asparagus and peas. Light and simple but it's for summer and even in LA, this might be out of season. No pasta salad for us.

The easy part of The Neely's recipes is that there are two of them and this goes doubly fast without the bad dead air YET they seem to do an awful lot of "I remember when..." I can't. I have to stop. Watching them is like watching your parents flirt in front of your friends. Like John Witherspoon in "Boomerang" - "You got to coordinate!" I put it on mute. But that's hard because I'm missing the tips. But I only want cooking tips not bedroom kitchen tips. Thank the oven gods for commercials.

Let's move on to dessert. Berry shortcake. I feel like they have a lot of inside jokes inside their sexual innuendos that I just miss out on and you know I'm okay with that. I'm feeling this berry shortcake because she just brought out the refrigerator biscuits (if you've ever opened this, you know that this opened up a Pandora's Box of sexual innuendos)! Yes, I can do this!

When you watch the Neelys eat their meal, it kinda makes you feel like you're watching the adult channel. It's shrimp, Pat! Not Gina. I think I got the basics down for the berry shortcake. I'll leave them to the rest of their evening...whatever that entails..

The Neely Perfect Picnic

Available on Food Network On Demand until 3/1/2010

T.Tara Turk is contributing writer to On Demand Weekly. She is a writer living in LA, navigating the world of "writing for a living" minimally. She maintains a blog at www.ttaraturk.com while working on screenplays, fiction and plays.

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